“MUTTI!” Tom ran downstairs and ran to his mother. Franz was laughing and holding up a pee soaked bed sheet. Tom looked miserable and was sobbing. ________ stared.
“Oh Tom, don’t tell me you had another one!”
“I-I’m sorry Mutti!” the little boy sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve. ________ bent down and wiped her little cheeks.
“It’s okay dear. I know you didn’t mean to,”
“Kesesesese you’re going to have to wear a diaper again!” Franz laughed.
“Stop teasing your brother Franz!”
“But Mutti! Only babies wet the bed!”
“And suck their thumbs,” Franz stared.
“No, stop teasing your brother, he’ll grow out of it but until you’ve stop sucking your thumb, you have no right to tease him when he wets the bed. Now go play while I get Tom cleaned up,”
“Ja Mutti,” ________ sighs. Tom looked at her with violet ashamed eyes. She smiled and took him upstairs to get changed. She knew it was probably because he was nervous at night about something and Franz’s teasing was nothing making it any better. It was summertime and she knew because he’s was quiet and small, he was often overlooked by other kids.
“Are you okay dear?”
“Yes Mutti. Are you mad at me?”
“Of course not. Here, clean up while I make your bed,” Tom disappeared into the bathroom and emerged looking and feeling better only to be face to face with his Vati helping his Mutti with his bed.
“Not another accident Sohn,” Tom shrank when he saw his father. He’s always intimidated him in some way. He ruffled the boy’s head affectionately. Tom smiled.
“Yes but it getting better, at least it not every night,” said _________
“Ja, ja I know,”
“You’re really calm about this,”
“Gilbert has the same problem when we were kids. It’s common, so I’m not going to give him grief about it,”
“How did he stop bedwetting?”
“He peed on me and I beat the shit out of him,” he said laughing. Tom’s eyes widened. _________ hits Lutz, “Kidding, kidding. Don’t worry, I’ll talk to him,” she nodded and went off. Tom looked at him. Lutz rubbed his back, “So…have you been wearing your cadet hat to bed?”
“No, why?” Lutz smirked.
“That’s your problem! You need to wear your hat night so you can stop wetting the bed,”
“Ja! I practically lived in my hat when I was a Kinder and look at me now. So wear it tonight and I promise you, you’ll stop wetting the bed,” Tom nodded smiling.
“Gut, now let’s go get some chow,”
“How’s my AWESOME nephew!” Gilbert grabbed and noogied Franz. Gilbert only lived a few houses away and was a frequent visitor of his brother and his family. Franz loved and idolized his uncle a lot.
“Even more awesome than his Uncle Gil!”
“Kesesese! No one is more awesome than I am!” they two proceeded to wrestle in the backyard. Franz loved hanging out with his favorite and only uncle. _______ watched from the window and went back to cleaning her gun. Then Gilbert bursts into the kitchen, “How’s my awesome sister-in-law?”
“I’m good,” he pecks her cheek and headed to the fridge for a beer.
“Mutti! Can I have a taste of beer?”
“No, you’re too young to drink beer,”
“I said no!”
“Ey! Listen to your Mutti!”
“Okay, okay!” The boy goes outside. _______ sighed. Gilbert looked at her.
“Aww, what’s the matter, Liebling?”
“That little boy has been so rebellious lately. Nothing seems to work when it comes to him now,”
“Maybe the awesome me can be of some service,”
“Ja leave everything to me and Lutz,”
“The last time I heard that phrase I had to drive through seven counties to pick you and Lutz up from the Sheriff’s office through a hostage situation,”
“Hey! We survived! And Tom learned how to pick a lock that night!”
“Fine, I just have one request; please don’t scar them from for life,”
“VATI HELP!” Tom came running out of the bedroom. Franz was already in front holding the boy’s cadet hat. Lutz looked up and in one swift motion, grabbed the blonde boy, swatted him, and took the hat. Franz rubbed his bum and Lutz puts Tom’s hat back on his (h/c) head.
“Franz knock it off,” he growled.
“I was just playing with him!”
“No he wasn’t! He knows my hat would stop me from bedwetting! He just wants me to wet the bed so I can get in trouble again!”
“You weren’t in trouble in the first place,”
“I don’t want you and Mutti worried about me and him calling me a baby,” tears started to form in his violet eyes. Lutz pulled him into a hug.
“Calm down, calm down,”
“See, you’re so totally unawesome!” Franz teased.
“Oy! The only one in this house that can tell who or what is awesome is me!” said Gilbert, “And if you keep up this shit you’re going have an unawesome end,”
“What are you talking about?” Gilbert looked worried.
“Shit, said too much,”
“What are you talking about?”
“Damn it Gilbert! You’ve already begun!”
“I’m sure he’s not that bad, I mean, he’s a brat but he’s not that bratty is he?” they looked at each other for a moment.
“Well he’s been a little butt lately, disobeying his Mutti, bothering his Bruder, and sucking his thumb,”
“Oh ja, he’s doom. He’ll be just like Conrad,”
“W-Who’s Conrad?” said Franz looking at them.
“Ja…who’s Conrad?” said Tom
“Oh, you two really don’t know about him do you?” said Gilbert, “I guess I can tell you. Once upon a time where was little boy named Conrad…”
One day Mamma said "Conrad dear,
I must go out and leave you here.
But mind now, Conrad, what I say,
Don't suck your thumb while I'm away.
The great tall tailor always comes
To little boys who suck their thumbs;
And ere they dream what he's about,
He takes his great sharp scissors out,
And cuts their thumbs clean off—and then,
You know, they never grow again."
Mamma had scarcely turned her back,
The thumb was in, Alack! Alack!
“T-Then w-what happened?!” said Tom looking at the two men.
“I’m getting to that, Liebling,” said Gilbert grinning.
The door flew open, in he ran,
The great, long, red-legged scissor-man.
Oh! children, see! the tailor's come
And caught out little Suck-a-Thumb.
Snip! Snap! Snip! the scissors go;
And Conrad cries out "Oh! Oh! Oh!"
Snip! Snap! Snip! They go so fast,
That both his thumbs are off at last.
Mamma comes home: there Conrad stands,
And looks quite sad, and shows his hands;
"Ah!" said Mamma, "I knew he'd come
To naughty little Suck-a-Thumb."
Tom looked frightened. Franz on the other hand scoffed.
“That’s fake and you know it!” said Franz looking at his father and uncle, “There’s no such thing as a Mad Tailor! Just like there’s no Krampus,”
“Hey! Krampus is real!” said Gilbert, “Came after you Vati and me when we were kids,”
“What happened?!” said Tom.
“Gilbert screamed like a bitch and I kicked him in the balls,” said Lutz laughing, “But that’s beside the point. Since Tom is a good boy, he’ll be spared from the Tailor and as for you Franz, it was good knowing you. I guess your Mutti and I will be making a new son soon,”
“Ja, nice knowing you, nephew. Tom, you’re going to be my new wrestling buddy,” Franz glared.
“Thumb sucking is no big deal! And what about wetting the bed!”
“That’s not his fault. He’s not doing it on purpose. You on the other hand, it’s because you’re just a stubborn little butt,” Franz glared and went upstairs to go to bed. Tailor, yeah right!
___________ headed off to the market early the next afternoon. Before she left, she looked at Franz and Tom.
“Okay boys, I’m off. Mind your Vati and Uncle and I’ll be back in a bit,”
“Ja, ja okay Mutti,”
“Franz while I’m gone, NO picking on Tom, finish your chores, and keep your thumb out of your mouth. Tom, finish that folding for me, okay?”
“Yes Mutti,” she gave them a kiss goodbye and went off. As soon as she left, Franz decided to have some fun and play. Tom, on the other hand, went to the laundry room to fold. Franz was upstairs playing with his toy soldiers. He had his thumb in his mouth as he lined them up and started commanding them.
“Okay men, this will be the toughest day of your lives! Some of you will die but it will be in a blaze of glory, glory that you can later tell your ancestors in spirit that—,”
Franz stopped. That sounded like scissors. He immediately laughed it off. It was just the wind, right the wind. We went back to his game when he heard it again…
He froze. He caught something at the corner of his eye. A tall man dressed like a deranged joker/ tailor was standing at the door. He was dressed in red tights, with red hair, red eyes, and sickly white face. Franz jumped up and ran to the window. The tailor grinned evilly and took out a large pair of scissors.
“I heard there was a naughty boy who’s thumbs are mine!” he went at him. Franz ducked, ran under his legs and headed to his Vati’s study.
“VATI! VATI! HELP!” he opened the door only to be faced with a black hairy monster with large horns and a tail. It stood upright on cloven looking legs. He turned slowly to him. Franz was now literately frozen in fear. He was face to face with the Krampus.
“Picking on your Bruder, not listening to your Mutti, neglecting your chores, and sucking your thumb. You’ve been a very naughty boy Franz Beilschmidt!”
“Y-You can’t take me! It’s summertime! It’s not Kr-Krampus Night! A-And where’s my Vati?!”
“I can make special exceptions to little boys who deserve it and your Vati can’t save you now!” Krampus lunged at him. Franz jumped out of the halls, right into the Tailor, who held out a bag of bloody, severed thumbs.
“Time for you to add yours to my collection, Franz!”
“And after that, I’m doing to beat you, then cook you for my supper!” they laughed. Franz screamed and ran downstairs. They ran after him. Tom, in the meantime, came out of the laundry room to see what was the screaming about. He was greeted to his brother running from two monsters. Thinking fast, he pulled Franz into basement and locked the door. The monsters banged and pounded. Franz was visibly shaken by the sight and sobbing a bit. He immediately hugged Tom.
“W-Why did you help me?”
“You’re my brother,”
“But I always tease you,”
“I know but I don’t want to see you die! Mutti would never stop crying and Vati won’t have someone wrestle with!” Tom backed awat from the door, “At least we’ll die together,”
“Don’t say that!”
“Then where’s Vati?! He’s the only who can save us!”
“That Arschloch Krampus probably killed him!” Franz looked around for something and spotted a 2x4 heavy wooden stick, “If we’re going to die, we’ll die on our own terms! Vati would not have died in vain!” Tom grabbed an umbrella and puts a bowl on his head as an helmet, “Ready Bruder?”
“Ready!” Tom nodded and unlatched the door. Franz ran out first and attacked the Krampus first, “NUT CRACKER ARSCHLOCH!”
_________ just pulled into the garage with her groceries when she heard screaming out of her house. She immediately ran to the door and opened it. Then she heard her two boys screaming in the kitchen. She grabbed her pistol out of the coat closet, cocked it, and ran into the kitchen where she saw two creatures on the floor, holding their sacks, Franz and Tom hitting them with everything they could get. She shot a warning shot in the ground at her feet and then pointed at the group of bodies. They immediately screamed at her.
“GAH! MUTTI! DON’T SHOOT!”
“SHIT! KATZCHEN NEIN! DON’T SHOOT!”
“IT’S US! IT’S US!” she recognized the voices immediately. Franz and Tom ran to their mother and hid behind her screaming and crying about the monsters.
“WHAT THE HOLY HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!”
“Don’t worry Mrs. Beilschmidt,” said the doctor, “Other than some swelling and bruising they’re going to be okay,”
“Thank you so much,”
“Just keep it iced and please get them to wear cups while roughhousing,” he left. For the next few days, Lutz and Gilbert were on the couch, in shorts, legs spread with ice on their crotches. It took ___________ forever and a day to finally calm the boys down. She glared at Lutz.
“What do you have to say for yourself?”
“It looked a lot better in my head, Katzchen,”
“You do know Franz and Tom refuses to sleep alone in their own beds at night, Tom has been bedwetting every night since and Franz have been having nightmares,”
“Is he still sucking thumb?”
“Worth it,” she glared.
“Oh yes, no sex for about a month and probably a month afterwards, having two traumatized boys, and a probably a dislocated crotch,” Lutz stared for a few moments. Gilbert smirked and started laughing, “This couch will be your lover and friend for a very long time,”
“I really need to think this shit through,” _________ walked out. Franz and Tom trotted downstairs. When they saw their father, they hurried to the door, “Ey! Get back here you two!” they went to him, “Franz, that was a real sissy move,”
“You were the one who taught him how to fight dirty,” said Gilbert.
“I didn’t think he was going to knock me in the balls!”
“Are we in trouble Vati?” said Tom.
“Nein, I’m actually proud of both of you. Franz for getting the drop on me and both of you for defending each other,”
“Well I had to!” said Franz glaring, “Someone has to be the responsible male of the house besides Mutti,”
“What’s that suppose to mean?!”
“We both know Mutti’s the Vati,” said Tom and gently pats his father’s hand, “It’s okay Vati, you had a good run of being a daddy but Mutti’s just better at it,”
“I present you with your apron Vati,” said Franz giving his father a pink apron, “So we’ll just be outside until your balls are okay Mutti,”
“It’s just easier to call you that now since Mutti’s Vati,” they two boys scampered away. Gilbert and Lutz looked dumbfounded at the pair of them.
“What the fuck just happened?”
“Well I guess now since you’ve been…incapacitated they see you more as a mom. Guess you’re going to have to reclaim your throne when you’re better,”
“How Vater survived us is nothing short of a miracle,”
“How WE survived HIM was a miracle,”