Matthew kept replaying those words over and over again and he never got tired of them. The love of his life was having a baby, HIS baby, and they were starting a family. When they broke the news to their families’ everyone was thrilled. Alfred immediately thought about the things he would teach them. Artie wanted a girl because he would finally be able to make cute little girl things for her. Francis sighed and made a phone call before going back to his corner. Her mother told her that her fate was sealed. Her father was happy and offered to help build a nursery. Then the couple immediately started discussing how their parenting method would be.
“Okay, let’s start with mothering style,”
“Please tell me you’re not taking anything from her,”
“Please, the reason why I got out half way decent was of Feli and Dad and Artie. Other than that, it’s a wonder how I got this far. How about this, I deal with the girl problems and you deal with the boy problems,”
“I don’t trust myself with that,” he thought about how Francis raised him.
“How about we make a list of things we hated about parenting and try not to make the same mistakes,”
“Yeah, first thing: NEVER let Al babysit. We don’t want him or her to be fucked up too much,” she laughed.
“Are you going to take anything from Francis’ parenting?”
“Well…with Francis, most of it was hands off, being brutally honest, and well just being blunt but I have to admit, the old bastard liked me. If I needed something or help he was around, him and Allistor. I may take a few of Artie’s parenting,”
“Yeah, but not too much enough to know we won’t abandon it to be raised by wolves or Al,”
“Being raised by Al…that can’t be too bad,” he looked at her. She sighs and lowers her head, “I’m trying to be optimistic,” he pecks her cheek.
“And that’s why I like you,”
Several months later
She looked at her belly. She was five months pregnant and feeling it. She looked in the mirror, staring at her reflection. She sighs. She looked frumpy, nothing wrong with that but she felt frumpy and that made it worst.
“Hey maple leaf,” Matthew hugged her from behind, “What’s the matter?”
“Feel ugly,” she whimpered.
“Whatever, pregnant women are cute,”
“You’re just saying that,” he pulled her closer and groped her breasts a bit. She flushed.
“Believe me now?”
“You perv!” he pecks her cheek, “How’s the hunt?”
“Good, I’m going to have to leave you again,”
“I know,” she said smiling
“I hate leaving like this, surrounded by assholes, perverts, sadists, then there’s the fuckers we don’t know,”
“It’s okay! I’ll be fine. Just get that poacher,”
“I should be able to get him tonight. I’ll be home early hopefully,”
“Take your time! It’ll be me and Lovi tonight,”
“Fuck!” Matthew grabbed a pillow from under his seat placed it on his lower back.
“What’s with you?”
“My fuckin’ back aches!” Matthew, of all people, didn’t complain about shit like that. How he quickly grabbed that showed it must be a common occurrence.
“You feelin’ okay?”
“Yeah, for some reason I’m getting back pains more and more lately. But it’s nothing compared to my stomach,”
“Stomach pains? You’re getting stomach pains?”
“Yes, they come and go but it just fucking aches,”
“Maybe it’s something you ate,”
“Maybe, but this has been going on for a month now,”
“Maybe you’re stressed about this fucker?”
“Nah, I’ve dealt with his type before, but what gets me is that they’re going after those fucking rabbits,”
“Why are they valuable?”
“Threatened species, prized for fur, meat, and just a general pet. They have a good habitat here and nothing bothers them so it’ll be a good way to have them multiply and ____________ loves them she was the first to notice that they went missing so that means the fucker was under MY radar so it’s personal,” Maximo snorts.
“Speaking of _________ how’s she doing?”
“Good, Francis’ has a few people watching her while I’m away in case she needs something,”
“I know, my shift is Friday. How’s her craving?”
“She’s been eating stranger shit than usual; the plus side is that it’s mostly maple,”
“Shit, that’s truly your kid in there,” he said laughing. Back at home. Francis
“Wow, that bambino or bambina really has an appetite,”
“I know! The cravings have been bad but delicious. Mattie is starting to like it too I guess,”
“What do you mean?”
“Well a few nights ago, I woke up to make a Boca burger with soy cheese, kale, and maple cookies. Matthew followed me down and actually ATE the soy burger,”
“I thought he hated soy,”
“He does, I can’t even sneak him something soy because he’ll know. He hates fake meat,”
“And he actually wanted the kale with pleasure. I don’t know what’s with him,”
“That does seem strange. Maybe he’s sick,”
“He refuses to see a doctor. His back and stomach’s been aching too,”
“Maybe his job’s stressing him out but other than that; how are you two been as a couple?”
“He’s been so sweet! He doesn’t want me away for more than a few minutes, he calls to check in on me, he gives the best back and foot rubs and he doesn’t make me feel ugly,”
“Oh ragazza! You’re such a cutie!” he started pinching her cheeks, “You’re always cute,”
“Oh I can’t wait for your baby to come out! I will so take her shopping! I know a lot of high end baby clothes shops; she’s going to look fierce!”
“What if it’s a boy?”
“Same thing! They’re going to love their uncle Lovi!”
“Did I hear uncle?” Artie came in with Francis. Francis stubbed out his cigarette and sat next to __________ as Artie hugged her tightly, “I really hope you have a sweet little girl! She could decrease the testosterone and Lovi and I could dress her up!”
“I know right!” said Lovi, “We can totally make her a little diva by the age of five,”
“And that’s why I hope it’s a boy. Someone has to pick up my lessons,”
“But you already screwed up Mattie!”
“Did not. He’s functioning,”
“Oh Poppet! Is there something special you want to eat?”
“Actually may I have some bacon caramelized in maple syrup and raw sugar?” Artie grins and trots into the kitchen. Lovi winces.
“Yep, that’s Mattie’s baby in there,”
“Anyone bothering you mon cher?” said Francis looking at her stomach.
“No! Actually I’m enjoying the company but please don’t make a fuss over me,”
“Someone had to make sure you’re okay until Matthew catches that poacher. It’s taking him a fucking long time,”
“I found it a bit strange, usually he can take down a poacher in a few days, but this has taken him a few weeks. I guess the poacher is really elusive,”
“Or he’s starting to fucking lose his touch,”
“What? I’m just speaking logically. I don’t want my grandchild being raised by someone weak,”
“Mattie’s not weak, it just could be a bad day!”
“Fine, but if he slips up, I’m helping you raise it,”
“Deal,” she sighed to herself. She really hoped Francis was kidding.
“How’s my future niece or nephew doing?!” Alfred dropped by every now and then to pester ______ about the baby. Between him, Matthew, Francis, and Artie, she never had any peace, not that she didn’t mind. Matthew was in the kitchen making poutine, maple bacon, and steaks. Alfred plopped next to her and cuddled her tummy, “Hey in there! Can’t wait to see you, Uncle Al needs an accomplice for his activities and of course baseball! But first I need to talk to your hot mama,”
“What do you want Alfred?”
“What’s with the tone? Don’t you trust me?”
“Not as far as I can throw you,”
“That hurts you know. I’m here to make a business proposition. How would you like to make five thousand a week?”
“No, I make more than enough to be happy,”
“Come on, it’ll be fun and you and Mattie can do it together but you’re only good for another four months, then you can do other things without Mattie,”
“What do you mean?”
“Now hear me out. There’s a big demand for it in black market and since Mattie and you are so fucking hot together, you and him can fuck each other while I record it! We’ll need a close up of your stomach, your swollen breasts and of course those tender nipples,” while Alfred talked, she could see Matthew with a murderous glint in his eyes standing in the doorframe, “Oh! We can also do nipple plays with you moaning and whimpering and afterwards when you start lactating, we can totally sell that too. I have to admit, there’s nothing fucking hotter than seeing a woman squirt—,” ________ moves as Matthew tackled and started beating the shit out of Alfred with his own bat.
“GET THE FUCK OUT! SHE IS NOT GOING TO BE IN YOUR FUCKING SICK SHIT!” he booted Alfred out, “New rule! While she’s pregnant, you’re not to be alone with her for five minutes! Sick ass fucking hoser!” he slammed the door, “I swear to fucking hell that man has issues,” Matthew plopped next to her and pulled her into his arms, “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, really,” Matthew shifted a bit. Beating up Alfred made his back hurt. He groans, “What’s the matter?”
“Back hurts,” he mumbled. She looked worried.
“Still? Mattie why don’t you go to the doctor?”
“I don’t do doctors,” he said irritably.
“Please? For me?”
“Humph….I can take it,” then she yelped a bit. Matthew looked alarmed, “What happened?!”
“Baby kicked. Ha, two against one, you have to go to the doctor,” he stared at her tummy and rubbed, “Don’t give your maman a hard time! And you could have been on my side! Okay, okay, I’ll go tomorrow,”
“Good!” she hugged him. He really didn’t like doctors.
Matthew waited in the office. He was munching on some toasted seaweed. He had no idea why he was craving weird shit like this but it was pretty good. _________ offered him some a month ago awhile she was eating it. He had to admit, it wasn’t too bad, even if it was hippie vegan food. Al must have had some hand in this somehow or Artie. He hated waiting rooms. He groaned and tried not to think about being uncomfortable. Then he noticed an old man coming out and joining him in the waiting room.
“What’s a young man like you doing in a place like this?” he said smiling.
“Wife made me go,” he said flatly.
“Get used to it, kid,” he chuckled.
“I’m going to be an optimist and blame it on the hormones,”
“She’s having a baby?”
“Yep, do you have any?”
“Five, three boys and two girls. How many did you two plan on having,” Matthew thought. He didn’t want any more than two. Just the idea of more than two kids scared him to death.
“Just one, two at the most, any pointers?”
“Don’t try to be perfect parents just be good parents. It’ll save you two a hell of a lot of headaches later and remember how it was when you were the children and had to listen to your parents, there may be some things you’d want to change,”
“Mr. Williams, the doctor will see you now,” said the nurse. She winked at him, flipped her hair, and gave him a kissy face. He glared and flashed his wedding ring before going inside. After many intrusive and embarrassing tests including a well overdue prostate exam the doctor finally made his conclusion.
“Well Mr. Williams, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with you,”
“Check again! I never had foot pains, back aches, or stomach aches!”
“There is nothing I can physically find wrong with you. What do you do for a living?”
“How about you take a month or two off? Your wife having a baby plus the stress of your job, and worrying about both is probably stressing you out. Just get some rest and your symptoms will just go away,”
“And the cravings could play a major factor in your stress. Everything should be okay if you just rest,”
Rest. He couldn’t fucking rest! His back and stomach were hurting him too much! He had to take that fucker out before he has a change to have any peace. He went home. He didn’t know who was keeping ________ company until he saw her a very flora and flowery blue and pink maternity dress and decorated with bows and frills. Alfred was in the kitchen making soy burgers with toss salad, and veggie fajitas wraps.
“There’s better be some fucking meat in there for me,”
“Good golly Mattie!” Artie placed his hands over _______’s stomach, “Not in front the fetus! They could pick up on things like that!”
“Heh, living around me, Mattie, and Francis that kid’s first word will probably be fuck,”
“Or shit stain, as in Uncle Shit Stain,”
“Not high or desperate enough yet,”
“Ahem,” Artie said holding out his swear jar. The pair grumbled and took out their wallets, “This is going towards a college fund,”
“Humph, that kid needs to be street smart, like me,”
“I don’t want my kid being the shit stain of society,”
“Fuck you!” the pair started to argue and exchanging blows. Artie and _______ on the other were enjoying their vegan meal with vegan cupcakes later.
Matthew had the poacher in his sights. The regular rush that he usually felt for hunting humans was there and it felt good. He hoped he was a runner. I loved it when they ran. As soon as he loaded the last few Blance de Hotot rabbits, for breeding, fur, and black market restaurants no doubt. He glares and got ready. His ass was grass as soon as he caught him.
“Hey ass face, I have a question for you, eh. Can you run faster than a rabbit?” the man looked up. Before he could move, Matthew was whacked him with his hockey stick. The poacher regained himself quickly and ran. Matthew smirked and took off after him. The man had no idea where he was going as he ran. It was a terrible thing because he was running into what many a person called ‘No Man’s Land’. It was called that because it was literately a death trap set up by Matthew to stop poachers. The only creatures that were able to survive there were the owls and smaller animals because each trap was designed to trap, grab, or maim a human. He, Maximo, and ________, of course knew what to look out for, the average person didn’t. In a little of no time, the poacher fell into a bear trap, rolled over onto two fox traps, one that dug deep into his shoulder, and finally into a ditch. The poacher was screaming in pain, trying to pry off the bear trap on his thigh. He saw Matthew looking down at him.
“Pl-Please! He-Help me! Have mercy!”
Matthew smirks and took out a rifle and started random shooting off into the ditch, watching with sadistic glee as the man tried to roll over getting grazed with bullets in the process.
“You bored me so now you're under arrest fucker!” he brought the man back to his truck that parked near where the rabbits were caged and chained him to the back. The rabbits were in distress as he approached them, “You little fuckers okay? Calm down, I’ll let you out,” he opened the cages as they fled away. Then he winced and sat down. His feet were killing him again. He thought about _________ rubbing his feet for him but he could ask her to do that right now, especially since she needs it more than he does. He contacted to the authorities to get the poacher and collect his bounty. Then he noticed that the fucker had big hands. He went into his truck, took his gun, hand sanitizer, and some lotion. He frowned when he saw that it was cucumber. He must have grabbed hers by mistake. He took off his boots and socks, unchained the poacher, and pointed his gun at his temple, “Here, clean his hands,” the man was scared shitless and complied to Matthew’s demands. When they were clean enough, Matthew tossed him the lotion, “Rub my feet and if you try anything funny I’m blowing your fucking brains out. You’re wanted dead or alive so I really don’t give a shit if you live or not,”
As the man rubbed, he noticed the smell of the lotion, the velvety feeling on it, and of course that it came from an extremely womanly bath shop. The poacher decided to get bold.
“Didn't know a hard ass like you liked womanly things. Then again you do look like a fucking switch hitter,” that earned him a shot in the knee. The man screamed as he stared down the barrel of Matthew’s gun.
“Keep rubbing or I’ll shoot the other one, then your testicle. Try not to go into shock or I’m shooting your testicle regardless,”
Matthew came in the house and smelt something odd, delicious but odd. _________ was on the couch surrounded by pillows and things. In the kitchen, Wang was in the kitchen making food. He looked up when Matthew walked in.
“Welcome home honey!”
“Sorry…long day. What’s he cooking?”
“Peking duck! ________had a craving and she wanted some so I decided to make it for her with dim sum, fried wontons, pork chow mein, and rice,”
“What’s with the pillows?”
“I have to protect her! She’s so cute and fragile!” Wang trotted over and pulled her into a hug, “I didn’t want her to fall and break her tummy so I surrounded her with pillows and told her not to get up,”
“Damn, why didn’t I think of that?” said Matthew looking at her.
“Because you’re always out now,” said _________, “Did you catch the poacher?”
“Yep! I’m all yours for a few months or until there’s a fucking poacher that eludes my traps and Kuma. Until then I’ll do my rounds and keep closer to home,” he rubbed her tummy. The baby kicked, “Yeah hello to you too,”
“So, do you two know what it is?”
“We agreed that we don’t want to know,” said ___________
“Well it because I like the idea of it being a surprise,”
“I’m doing it to piss everyone off,”
Matthew woke up earlier than usual. Why? Because he felt queasy. Why? He had no fucking clue. All he knew was that he had to go to the bathroom NOW! He vomited, then vomited some more before washing himself off and that was when he saw it. His stomach looked like he was holding a bump. He went pale, got into his truck, and drove to the two people who’d probably know more than a fucking doctor.
“I don’t know what the FUCK is wrong with me! I feel bloated, my feet hurt, my back hurts, I’ve been craving weird shit like garden burgers with maple cheesecake, toasted seaweed, which I actually fucking like, and cupcakes! Some mornings I’m sick to my stomach! I woke up this morning feeling like I was going to fucking die and now this!” he showed them his bump, “What the fuck is wrong with me?!” Francis and Artie stared at him for a few moments. Francis burst into laughter and Artie gently pats his hand, “What the fuck?!”
“You have sympathy pains, Mattie!” said Artie soothingly.
“What the fuck is that?!”
“That means you’re a pregnant woman!” said Francis laughing harder.
“Oh don’t listen to him! It just means that you’re sympathizing with __________’s body and estrogen levels as a mother,”
“Just fucking kill me now!” said Matthew, “And for shit’s sake, don’t tell Al!”
“Don’t worry, your secret is safe,”
“Doesn’t mean I’m not going to rag on you for being a fucking woman,” said Francis laughing even harder, “I wonder if you’ll get the hysterical pregnancy? Hold on, I’m going to call Allistor,” Francis got up, still laughing, and went to the other room. Mattie slumped.
“Oh buck up chum!” said Artie smiling and then leans in a bit, “Don’t feel too bad, he had the same problem when you were a wee one. It just means that you and your wife are so close that you’re subconsciously feeling what she’s feeling. And I think with the stress you’re probably having a hysterical pregnancy,”
“How the fuck do I fix this?!”
“Make _______ as comfortable as you can and just be there for her. I mean now you can now that you have time off now,” Matthew sighs and slumps on the couch. He went back home feeling more or less better than before. Now his father thought he was a pansy, he had to be comforted by Artie, and he probably worried __________ to death. When he opened the door, she ran, more like waddled, to him looking worried.
“Mattie are you okay?! I heard you in the bathroom this morning and I got really worried about you! Maybe it’s all these weird foods! I know it’s odd but we have a few more months but I can make you other meals in the meantime—,” he hugged her tightly.
“Shut up and just hold me,” After explaining what he’s been going through for the last few months, and after she was in a giggle fit for awhile, _________ scolded him.
“You should have told me how you were feeling!”
“I’m not a fucking man-bitch to be complaining to my wife about everything,”
“Matthew, it’s okay, if you’re sick, I would love for you to feel better. What if you were poisoned again? What it was something else other than sympathy pains? I don’t want anything to happen to you! I like having you around and I’m sure you child would too,”
“Speaking of, want do you want our kid to be?”
“Anything is fine with me? Though if it’s a girl, Artie and Lovi are going to turn her into a little diva,”
“Not my daughter! I’ll send her to Francis before that happens. What if it’s a he?”
“I still wouldn’t mind. Just as a golden rule that he doesn’t use Al as a role model same with our daughter. We don’t need two Als running about,” he grins and kissed her cheek.
“Well I know what I can do to keep busy and work off this stomach,”
“It involves you and me, in a room, sweating, with pounding, and of course something sweet to lick,”
“I know just the thing to make things better. I’ll get the maple ice cream,”
“I really don’t think this is necessary!” she protested from her pillow fort while Matthew finished building the crib. She sulked and took another bite of her ice cream.
“Only way to keep you safe,”
“I’m already safe! At least let me help you sand it! I need the exercise,”
“We’ll walk later. Those little fuzzy assholes would be happy to see you,”
“Oh stop, you know you love bunnies,”
“I won’t admit it! Little bastards, all they do are mate and multiply,”
“Well, we need them to do that so they won’t be a threatened species anymore. Speaking of, what happened with that poacher? You got him right?”
“Of course. I shot his kneecap though,”
“You know it but I kind of wish he stuck around. He wasn’t bad at giving foot rubs,” she looked at him puzzled, “My feet were swollen, he was the only person around. By the way, you’re out of cucumber lotion,”