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The Swear Jar Origins (2P!Kirklands x Reader)

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“W-Where is it?!” Artie looked all over the house but he couldn’t find it. He started to sweat and panic as Eoin and Allistor checked all over the house and Liam comforting him.

“I’m sure it’ll turn up Artie. Calm down,”

“B-But I-I need it!” Artie started to hyperventilate. It’s been going on three days and there were no signs of his beloved swear jar. He looked all over the house for it and came up with nothing. He was so distressed that Matthew called Allistor who called the rest to help him. Soon, they were all looking for Artie’s swear jar. Even _____________ started to help when she and Matt came home from school with Alfred, who seemed more smug than usual.

“Still hadn’t found it?” said Matthew

“Nae and it’s getting’ serious,” said Liam, “Artie is really attached to that thing,”

“Where is he now?” said ____________

“Sleeping it off in his room,” said Eoin sighing. By this time, they knew who had the swear jar and why he wasn’t getting it back.

“Mighty low of someone to mess with him like that,” said Allistor, “Beyond shittery,”

“It’s just a swear jar,” said Alfred nonchalantly, “No big deal, he can get a new one,”

“He can’t, the memories of that thing is irreplaceable,” said Liam

“So…where did the swear jar come from?” said _____________. The Kirkland brothers sighed.

“Make yeself comfortable lassie,” said Allistor, “It’s a long story,”

***
Artie was the smallest person in his family. Mumsy was tall and towered over a few women, Eoin and Allistor were next and often helped him reach tall things from the shelves, Liam was the third tallest but still about a few inches shorter than his other brothers but still a foot taller than Artie but none of them were a match for Da who towered over everyone and everything. Everyone looked up to Da as the leader and some sort of guide in their villages and the neighboring ones. While his brothers often ran, played, and did other boy things, Artie preferred to be more indoors but like all young boys, he loved being around his parents, especially his Da.  He didn’t really mind, he actually liked having his wee one about. Today, he was teaching his son how to give a proper battle cry. Since it was the start of summer and summer vacation, it was time for the boys to be boys.

"Alright boys! Today ye's gonna learn to do your battle cries!" said Alban that morning. All four of his sons were lined up, ready to show their Da what they were made of. Allistor, ten, was the eldest and the one most likely to get in trouble. He strolled up his father smirking.

"RAAAAAAWR!"

"Aye! Good one!" Eoin, nine, was next. He walked up to his Da and cleared his throat.

"RAAAAAAAGH!"

"Good Eoin! Remember lads there's no shame in using the most vicious animal ye know!" Liam, eight, strolled to his father and grinned.

"AAAAAAAGH!"

"Nice one Liam!" Finally Artie, seven, scampered to his Da. Alban waited expectantly. Artie cleared his throat.

"Reow!" Alban stared and chuckled. Artie made the sound of a kitten.  He stuck out his little chest proudly.

"Artie, what was that?"

"A cat!"

"That's nae vicious!" said Allistor laughing.

"Yes it is! It was the Miller's cat!"

"He's right, that puss is feckin' vicious," said Liam, "Remember what it did to Da’s hound?"

"That little wanker did that?!" said Eoin

"Aye," Alban sighed and ruffled Artie's hair, "I meant something a bit more vicious than that, laddie. Alright! It’s time for ye to go wash for supper!” the boys all ran inside for dinner. They could smell good things coming from their mother’s kitchen, potatoes, lamb, chicken, leeks, stew…milk. Almost immediately, the older boys and their father started devouring the food on the table. Artie lingered back, afraid that he may lose a hand in there. Allistor shoved anything within arm reach into his mouth, Eoin guzzled down the pitcher of milk, Liam shoved biscuit upon biscuit into his mouth, and Alban ripped and tore into the lamb as Artie sat there quietly trying to get a small morsel. Suddenly a wooden spoon went into the fray and smacked every single hand at the table with the blunt force of a man’s fist. Britannia glared at them all. They didn’t notice she wasn’t in the room when they were munching.

“For the love of that’s good you’re not feckin’ barn animals!” she glared at them, “You boys should KNOW better, ESPECIALLY you Alban!”

“Sorry Mum,” the boys muttered. Artie politely tugged on his dress.

“I didn’t get anything to eat yet,”

“Let Artie get something. Remember he’s smaller and punier than the rest of you! He needs to keep his strength up,”

“MUMMY!”

“It’s true Artie,” said Allistor grinning, “You’re growing up into a fine young woman,”

“With a cute little face,” said Liam chiming in. Alban whacked them both, “Ow! What was that for?!”

“For pickin’ on the wee one,” he growled, “You know better,”

“And Artie may become bigger than all of us someday,” said Eoin ruffling him. Artie grinned and huggled him, “Especially since he’s the runt,”

“He may be the runt but he has the heart of a hawk,” said Alban grinning.

“How did it go today, boys?” said Britannia smiling at them.

“GREAT!” said Liam, “Da show us how to perfect a battle cry!”

“We’re gonna be so ready for the Highland games!” said Allistor grinning.

“And Da is going to kick serious arse!”

“Language Liam,”

“Sorry Mum,”

“But Mum Da ALWAYS wins!” pipes Artie, “That’s what makes it fun!” Alban grinned and ruffled Artie’s head again. Britannia snorts and went into the kitchen He then stood up and took his plate to the kitchen. He smirks and smacked his wife’s butt. She jumped.

“ALBAN!”

“Yes?” she glares at him, blushing furiously. He smirked and nuzzled her cheek.

“Upstairs?”

“Shower then we’ll talk,”

“I thought ye loved my man stink. Ye weren’t complaining about it last night…”

“Not in front of the boys ye eejit!” Alban poked his head in the living room. The boys instinctively covered their ears in order to not hear their parents’ flirt, except Liam, who was humming while taking one for the team and covering Artie’s ears. Alban grins. That’s his boys.  

***
“How those two hadn’t scarred us, is a miracle,” said Allistor cringing.

“They have, I think one day when we’re old men, we’re going to remember that shit,” said Eoin blushing.

“Especially with how Da was creative with his love making with Mum…” said Liam, “Ghost my arse,”

“TMI!” said Matthew cringing.

“Seriously, I don’t want to hear about two old people fuckin’,” said Alfred, “Especially two I know personally,”

“Watch it boy-o. You’re going to get old someday,” said Eoin looking at him, “And I’ve seen your internet history, two old people fucking should be the least of your problem,”

“How does the swear jar tie into this?” said Matthew

“We’re getting’ to that, laddie,” said Allistor.

***
The Flanagan clan and Kirkland tribe have been enemies since the dawn of time. However, since it was peaceful times, things were starting to die down. However, Flanagan had a few reasons to hate Alban than he usually did. Instead of three strong and healthy boys, he had three girly little girls. To make matters worse, his village had to witness the humiliation of Alban using their sacred cooking pot, the very one that saved their clan from starvation, as his personal chamber pot every single year as agreed by their ancestors. Each year his clan entered the games and won; or at least placed. Then when Alban married Britannia and his clan joined in their games, they had been winning/in first place ever since.

“Aye Alban! You and me!”

“What ye want ye little bawbag?” Alban glared.

“A brawl you fuckin’ arse!”

“Fuck you!” Alban bellowed angrily and went after Flanagan. Then he heard a little small jingle. He turned to see Artie smiling at him with his piggy bank. Flanagan looked over at him.

“I got enough money so we can get cupcakes Daddy! You said you’ll make them with me today!” Bless his fuckin’ heart…

“The hell is she doin’ beggin’?”

“Fuck off!” Alban looked at him, “Go home, Artie…I’ll deal with ye later,”

“But Daddy….”

“GO HOME!” Alban immediately regretted that. Artie had little tears pouring down his face as he scampered off. Alban went after him, not before thrashing Flanagan. As soon as he stepped inside, he was face to face with one thing that scared him more than ANYTHING in the world, a Pissed off Britannia.

“I’m giving you ten seconds to explain yourself before you wish you Flanagan castrated you instead of me,” Alban gulped.

“There’s no excuse what I did Britannia…”  

“OF COURSE THERE WASN’T! You know that he’s sensitive!” said Britannia. Alban sighed.

“I know, I know! I didn’t think he would be that scared,”

“He’s in his room sobbing thinking he did something wrong! You and I BOTH know that he’s sensitive! I don’t know where he gets it from,”

“Well, I was scrawny and small like that when I was his age,” Britannia stared at him as though he grew two heads. Alban was tall, big, strong, hairy, and all around manly man and trying to see him small and puny like Artie was just odd, “What! It’s true,”

“I was documented proof but that’s beside the point. You have to make it up to Artie so he can forgive you,” Alban nodded and headed to Artie’s room. Inside, Artie was playing by himself in his room.

“Aye, can I come in laddie?” Artie nodded. Alban walked in and sat scoops him up and perched him on his knee and plopped on his bed. Artie looked at him expectantly. Alban sighed, “Listen Artie, I didn’t mean to scare ya. To me honest, I didn’t even see ya there. I just came ta say I’m sorry,”

“It’s okay…but you’re scary when you yell and swear Daddy! You really scared me!” the tiny boy’s bottom lip started to quiver and shake. Alban froze, “And Mumsy always say never to swear and you always say to listen to Mumsy!”

“That I did….and we should be leadin’ by example. Okay Artie, whenever I say a dirty word, I want you to give me a punishment, sounds good?”

“Y-You want me to punish you?”

“Aye, my Da did the same to me when I was a wee one. It taught me how ta control myself. So how about it?” Artie looked at him.

“Okay…”

“And don’t be scared ta be tough okay?”

“Yes Daddy,”

“Good, now let’s get ye ta bed,” Alban helped Artie into his pajamas and tucked him tightly into the bed. Artie grinned and snuggled into the blankets. Whenever Daddy tucked him in, he stayed tucked all night, “Oíche Mhaith wee one,”

“Goodnight Daddy, love you,”

“Love you too,” Alban closed the door. Artie, however, couldn’t sleep. He was too busy thinking of a way to stop the swearing around the house. He didn’t want to punish anyone but he wanted to be sure that everything was nice like it used to be.

***
“And that how the wee little shit discovered the Swear Jar,” said Allistor.

“Stop that arse!” said Liam, “That’s not the end of the story,”

“There’s more?” said ____________

“Yes. The first swear jar had a lot of kinks in it, mainly me, Eoin, Allistor, and Da,”

“And design,” said Eoin looking through the box and pulled out a few things, “There was the swear piggy bank,” he took out a cracked pink piggy bank that looked as though it was glued back.

“What happened to it?”

“Allistor wanted to take back the money for a swear,” said Liam, “Da spanked him good,”

“Then there was the swear box,” Eoin took out a stiff cardboard box with that looked as though it was beaten up and wet for a time being.

“What happened there?”

“Well, I needed a net after I caught the biggest fish I’ve ever seen!” said Liam grinning.

“Then there was the swear vase…that was my fault. I picked flowers for Mum…then Artie found a jar, which came to be known as the swear jar,”

***
"What's the matter Artie love?" Britannia stared at the boy. Artie moped into the house with a long face.

"All of my swear containers keep getting ruined!" He sniffled. Britannia looked around the kitchen and found a glass air sealed jar. She passed it over to him.

"Here you go love,"

"Thank you Mumsy," Artie scampered away. Artie called the family to a meeting where he was going to show them how he was going to keep swearing and shouting under control. Artie looked proud of his work and Alban and Britannia were going to support him.

“Oy! Boys hush! Artie has something to say,” said Alban silencing the table. Artie smiled and took a deep breath.

“I-I would like to introduce to you all, the swear jar!” his brothers looked at it and then to their father who looked at it with the same confusion.

“Okay son, how does this…Swear Jar work?”

“Well Daddy…every time someone says a swear, they have to put money in it,”

“And what will happen when the jar get filled?” said Liam looking at the jar.

“That’s for Artie ta decide,” said Alban.

“So do we all have to do it?!” said Allistor.

“Yep, we can all put the swearin’ on hold fer awhile,”

“Fine,” Artie’s swear jar was in effect. For the first day, everything was okay. The second however, was when the trouble started. Mr. Flanagan came back for another shouting match with Alban.

“What’s the matter, Alban, afraid of some friendly competition?”

“Feck off I’m not in the mood ye little arse,”

“Daddy!” Artie was next to Alban’s side and looking at him with big blue eyes. In his hands was the Swear Jar, “You said a swear!” Alban looked at Artie, sighed and dropped a few coins inside, “Thank you Daddy!” Artie scampered off. Flanagan stared at the man. Alban glared.

“Mind yer feckin’ business!” within a few weeks, Artie’s little swear jar worked. No one swore around him, everyone minded and watched their language and those who didn’t put money in the swear jar. After a few weeks, Artie did accumulate a small fortune and was very proud of himself. Britannia looked at all of the money stacked in the jar.

“Honey, what are you planning to do with all of that money?”

“I can’t tell you Mumsy! It’s surprise!” Britannia smiled and ruffled his hair.

***
“So….what does Artie do with the money?” said _____________.

“We’re getting to that lassie,” said Allistor, “But let’s tell you ye how he managed to make enough for the money for what he does,”

***
Artie was happily skipping about the village with his swear jar. He was almost home when he accidentally slammed into someone. He looked up and saw that it was Mr. Flanagan. Artie smiled politely.

“I’m sorry, Mr.—,”

“Watch where ye goin’ you little bastard!” Artie was taken back. No one has ever called him that before. He backed away.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“You’re Alban’s wee one aren’t ye?” Artie nodded. Mr. Flanagan raised his hand.

“Send this to your father for me ye little weakling,” Artie closed his eyes and waited for a blow. Nothing. He opened his eyes to see Alban crushing the man’s hand in his. As the man struggled, Alban went into his pocket and took out a hundred note.

“Here Artie,” he dropped it into the swear jar. Britannia immediately came outside and covered Artie’s ears and pulled him out of range. Allistor, Eoin, and Liam came running outside as Alban took a deep breath and rolled up his sleeves. Before Flanagan could run, Alban was on him, wrestling and beating the shit out of him while swearing up a storm.

“YOU NO GOOD FUCKIN’ WASTE SPACE! YOU FUCKIN’ LITTLE BAWBAG! IF I EVER HEAR YE SAY THAT ABOUT MY FUCKIN’ KIDS AGAIN I WILL SHOVE MY FOOT SO FAR UP YOUR FUCKIN’ ARSE YE GONNA SHIT FUCKIN’ SIDE WAYS!”

“Cor! Look at Da go!” said Liam watching.

“GO DA! Beat the shit out him!” said Allistor.

“Go Da go!” said Eoin.

“Shit, I hadn’t heard Da say those swears before,”

“He’s the king!” Alban dropped Flanagan and strode up to Artie and dropped more money into the jar and went inside. That evening, Alban was on the couch and trying to forget his fight from earlier that day. He closed his eyes and opened them again to see Artie looking at him.

“Aye…how are you laddie?” Artie shyly went up to his father with something. He  held a pair of  Trews for hIm, complete with the colors of his tartan.

“I-I made these for you Daddy…for being the best Daddy ever!” Alban couldn’t help but smile at this. He picked up Artie and perched him on his knee.

“C’mere you,” Alban pulled Artie into a tight hug. Artie grinned and snuggled into his chest.

***
“And that’s the story of the swear jar and why Artie is so attached to it,” said Allistor, “Nae because it wants to feckin’ torture us,”

“It’s because it reminds him of Mum and Da,” said Liam.

“And the funds of that jar is always towards something good, like your school clothes,” said Eoin

“Bail money,”

“School supplies,”

“So if you don’t know what good for ye, you’ll apologize to Artie and give him back his swear jar you little shit,” Alfred nodded and immediately took the jar out of its hiding spot and went to give it to Artie.

“How did you know he had it?” said ______________.

“We knew Matthew wouldn’t do it,” said Liam, “And you’re too nice,”

“So that left the little shit,” said Allistor. Matthew however looked a little more engaged.

“You guys can’t leave on that note…how did the Highland games go?”

“When did you guys come to America?” said ________________

“And when did the baking come along?” Eoin laughed.

“Those stories are for another time, right now, we have to rest up for the next one,”

“And Da tells those better,” said Liam, “And he’s coming next week so be ready,”
Hi my Silverlings! I don't know HOW but I managed to pump out a fic this week! I started thinking of the origins of Artie's swear jar with his family and he and his brothers being kids and this came out. I think it came out pretty good! Also is a proper introduction to Alban before Halloween so no one will be surprised. Just think of someone who can control Britannia and can wrestle a bear and still be home to read a bedtime story to hi wee ones! As always enjoy and forgives the mistakes! 

I don't own you or Hetalia ^^
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